Monday, October 27, 2008

Where am I?

Wow, I am a pathetic blog poster. I can't seem to keep up. I could never keep a journal, either. This is not going to be an exciting post, and a little personal. But the only peeps who actually read this are people who I don't mind knowing what's up in this messed up brain of mine...

Life is nuts! I work all day, then go to school 2 nights a week. Lately I get home and I have zero motivation to do anything. Not cook, not clean, not homework, not exercise...not even read! Nothing! It's taking it's toll, for sure. But I'm not too worried about my mental state just yet. I'm convinced my body is just taking time to adjust to the changing season. I tend to get in a funk during this time of year, even though autumn is one of my favorite times of the year! It makes no sense!

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I've been thinking a lot about school. I am enjoying my classes, but I keep thinking that I'm not headed in the right direction. I miss psychology. So I think next semester I will take a psych class to see if I really miss it as much as I think I do, or if I'm just overwhelmed with new stuff so I want to go back to what is familiar. But I keep having thoughts like, "Maybe I should do this? Or that instead?" And I start second guessing every scholarly decision I've ever made. Not cool.

I've been thinking about my job. I like my job. I like the company I work for. I like my boss, my coworkers, and the enviroment I work in. I just keep feeling like I need change. Unfortunately, there are so many things to consider when thinking about changing jobs, especially when I carry our health insurance, and we get have discounted auto insurance, yadda yadda...

I've also been thinking a lot about babies. I get scared sometimes when I think about not having babies. I had a conversation at lunch a few weeks ago with a friend who is having similar fertility issues. She said something like, in the long run, we really are young, so there's no need to panic yet. However, she worries that she and her husband are becoming so used to their childless lifestyle, and she feels selfish sometimes, like maybe a baby would throw a wrench in the way they live their life, so what if they become so selfish they decide they don't even want to have a baby. That got me thinking...could I ever get this way? I mean, I've thought of all of the options available to Cam and me if I'm not ever able to get pregnant. But what if after all of these years we're too selfish to even consider any of these options? I'm not saying that I would, but it was definitely something to think about. And the thought of not wanting a baby scares me, maybe even more than the thought of not being able to have babies.

It's past my bedtime, so I will end this post of messed up brain-ness. And hopefully soon I will post some pictures of our most recent happy adventures!